Gentle Parenting Makes My Eye Twitch

Somewhere along the way, “gentle parenting” stopped being about raising emotionally healthy kids and turned into “never let little Kannon Blaze Ryder experience discomfort for even five seconds or his spirit might crumble.”

I’ve spent forever deep diving into this stuff. I’ve listened to the podcasts, watched the reels with the soft music and pastel captions, seen real life drama. I wanted to understand it before I rolled my eyes and tossed it into the “absolutely not” bin.

Well. Consider my eyes fully rolled.

And now I say this as something I wasn’t when my boys were little.

I say it as a gramma.

We Didn’t Grow Up Like This

I am Gen X. We were the “you’ll live” generation.

Seatbelts were optional. We drank out of the hose. We were told to be home when the streetlights came on and somehow we survived without location tracking, daily check-ins and parents who narrated every feeling we had.

Now do I think everything from our childhood was healthy or right?

No.

Do I think we should go back to “spare the rod and spoil the child” and smack kids for breathing wrong?

Also no.

But we did have something that seems to have walked straight out of the modern home.

We had parents who were not afraid to be the parent.

My Boys And The Middle Ground

Here’s the funny thing. My grown sons turned out to be middle ground men.

They are loving but firm with their kids. They understand feelings but they also understand responsibility. They can say, “I get why you’re upset” and “you still can’t do that” in the same breath. That makes me proud.

And honestly, I fell into that middle ground pretty well while they were growing up. I was not perfect, but I had some balance. They heard no. They had chores. They were allowed to fail. They knew I loved them and they knew I meant business.

Then they became adults and somewhere along the way, I lost my mind.

Suddenly I wanted to fix everything. I wanted to defend them even when they were wrong. I decided my boys were NEVER wrong.

Oh the idiocy.

There is nothing like looking back and realizing that your desire to “make it easier” for your kids as adults sometimes stole opportunities for them to grow. That one stings.

So when I look at this extreme version of gentle parenting, I’m not talking from some high horse. I have done my own overcorrecting. I have done the “let me save you from every consequence” nonsense. It does not work for toddlers or for 25 year olds.

What Gentle Parenting Says It Is… And What It Looks Like In Real Life

On paper, gentle parenting sounds lovely.

Connecting with your kids Naming emotions Regulating yourself before responding.

All of that is good. Emotional maturity matters.

The problem is what happens when people take “gentle” and twist it into “never actually be in charge.”

You’ve seen it:

🔥 The child screaming in the store while the parent calmly negotiates for half an hour and never once gives a real consequence

🔥 The kid speaking to their momma like she is the household assistant

👇 The teen girl on Dr Phil dressed like Roxanne down at the red light while her mother shrugs and says, “I have no control over her”

Ma’am…

You lost control a long time ago when your “precious little peanut” was three and you never told her no.

Kids Need Boundaries, Not Besties

Kids do not come into this world knowing how to behave.

That is our job.

Different kids respond differently. Some are sensitive, some strong willed, some are born negotiating like tiny lawyers. But none of them thrive with zero boundaries.

Children need:

✋ Guidelines

✋ Parameters

✋ Clear expectations

✋ Real consequences

If everything is up for discussion, everything is optional.

When every misbehavior is met with soft explaining and zero follow through, what you are teaching them is simple.

You are teaching them that:

💩 They are the center of the universe

💩 Their feelings outrank everyone else’s reality

💩 If they push hard enough the grown ups will cave

That might feel easier when they are three. It is a disaster when they are thirteen.

And speaking as a gramma now, I can tell you this. It is a lot easier to hold firm with a toddler than to try and fix an entitled teenager.

“But I Just Want Them To Feel Safe”

Good. They should feel safe.

But safe does not mean they never hear the word no.

Safe does not mean you remove every obstacle so they never struggle.

Safe does not mean they never feel- discomfort.

Sometimes love looks like:

❤️“You are safe and loved, and you are also not going to talk to me like that.”

❤️ “You can feel angry. You may not throw things.”

❤️ “You forgot. That stinks. You’ll deal with the consequence and next time we’ll plan better.”

☺️ They need to know you are there.

☺️ They also need to know they can stand on their own two feet.

As a gramma, I want my grandbabies to know two things:

➡️ I will always show up for them.

➡️ They are still accountable for their choices.

Let Them Fall. Let Them Get Back Up.

One of the things that makes me itch about extreme gentle parenting is this urge to rush in and rescue every time a kid stumbles.

Little one falls and here comes a parent sprinting like a paramedic. Scooping them up before they even decide if it hurts.

Sometimes you need to pause and let them figure it out.

Are you bleeding?

No

Then you’re okay. Dust it off.

Those tiny moments of “I fell and I got up” are training for the big falls later in life. Heartbreak, failure, bad decisions, rough seasons. If we never let them struggle when the stakes are small, how on earth do we expect them to stand when the stakes are real.

And yes, I say this as the mom who later tried to pad every sharp corner life threw at her grown sons. It did not help them. It just delayed some lessons.

Respect Is Not Abuse

We have somehow reached a point where firm parenting automatically gets labeled as controlling or toxic.

Telling your child…

⭐️ “You do not speak to adults that way”

⭐️ “We treat people in service jobs with respect”

⭐️ “You will not hit your brother”

…is not abuse. It is basic parenting.

The real world will not coddle your kids.

Bosses do not care about your “big emotions” when you refuse to show up.

Bills do not get paid with “I was overwhelmed.”

These kids you see acting like lunatics in public, melting down, screaming at teachers, collapsing at the slightest resistance, they are already being chewed up by a world they were never prepared for.

They were allowed to feel everything, but no one taught them what to do with those feelings.

Balanced Parenting Is Not Flashy. It Just Works.

Where do I land after all this?

Somewhere right in the middle.

The extremes on either side do damage.

👊 Harsh, cold parenting that crushes emotions

❄️ Weak, boundary free parenting that worships emotions

The answer is balanced.

Warm and firm.

Loving and in charge.

You can:

🏆 Validate feelings and still have consequences

🏆 Be emotionally available and still say no

🏆 Apologize when you mess up and still be the authority in the room

Kids need to know:

🎯 You love them fiercely

🎯 You are not scared of their feelings

🎯 You are still the grown up

And if you veer off, like I did when my boys were grown and I tried to bubble wrap their adult lives, you can still correct course. You can stop fixing everything and start supporting them while they fix their own stuff.

Final Thoughts From A Gen X Gramma

I am not interested in being my child’s or grandchild’s “safe space” if that means I am never allowed to correct them.

I want to be:

🤗 Their example

🤗 Their anchor

🤗 Their soft place to land

But I will not be their excuse.

So no, I am not a fan of what gentle parenting has turned into. Give me parenting and grandparenting that is kind, firm, consistent, imperfect and honest.

Let kids fall.

Let them get back up.

Let them hear no.

Let them learn respect.

Because life will not whisper to them.

And if we do not prepare them now, the world will do it later with far less gentleness than any of us would choose.

XOXO, Jani

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