I don’t know about y’all, but these Big Pharma commercials? Whew, they are something else. I’m just sitting there, minding my business—maybe watching a little true crime, maybe catching the local weather—and suddenly here comes a slow-motion commercial showing people skipping through wildflowers and kayaking with their grandkids, all while a soothing voice says, “Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, internal bleeding, loss of vision, confusion, dizziness, suicidal thoughts, sudden death, and bloating.”

Bloating? That almost feels like a blessing compared to the rest of it.

And let’s not skip past this part:

“Do not take Bliztravax if you’re allergic to Bliztravax.”

Um… HOW in the ever-loving world would I know I’m allergic to something I’ve never taken before?!

That’s like saying, “Don’t step in that puddle if you’re allergic to drowning.” Ma’am. Sir. Whoever is in charge over there—you’re gonna need to be more specific.

And then they always show these people doing things that have absolutely nothing to do with the actual condition. Like, here’s a guy hang-gliding with his golden retriever while the narrator gently reminds us that this new miracle pill is for toenail fungus. Meanwhile, the list of risks is so long I need a snack break halfway through.

I swear, if the list of side effects is longer than the Cheesecake Factory menu, we might have a problem.

Now listen—I’m not knocking science. Modern medicine has done wonders for a lot of people, and I’m grateful for the advances that help folks live better, longer lives. But can we talk about the absurdity of how it’s all delivered? Like, you’ll get 15 seconds of promises and 45 seconds of possible doom. I don’t know about you, but that ratio isn’t working in my favor.

And the truth is, we’ve gotten used to it. Like, numb to it.

“Oh, this helps with seasonal allergies but may cause memory loss and spontaneous dancing? Worth a shot.”

And don’t even get me started on the way they say it. All hushed and calm, like they’re reading you a bedtime story instead of telling you your liver might fall out.

“If you notice uncontrollable bleeding from your eyeballs…”

Say what now?!

Look, I’ve had my fair share of prescriptions over the years—and with an autoimmune condition in the mix, sometimes I have no choice. But even then, I want real talk. I want a doctor or pharmacist who says, “Hey, this might help. Might also make you feel like you’ve been hit by a small bus. Let’s weigh your options.”

Because here’s the thing: I don’t mind making informed decisions. I just want to be informed before I’m halfway through a 3-month trial and find out I can’t taste strawberries anymore or I’m allergic to my own shadow.

So yes, Big Pharma—thank you for your efforts. But maybe just maybe let’s start with telling people what something does before giving them a scroll of side effects that would make Stephen King nervous. And for the love of all things holy, don’t tell me not to take it if I’m allergic to it unless you’re also offering allergy tests in the drive-thru.

That’s all I’m saying.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk—sponsored by no one, especially not anyone with a prescription drug ending in -zema.

XOXO, Jani

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